Coming Home

October 12, 2016

God has really been doing amazing things in my life. I grew up in church but never really felt like I had a real relationship with God. I had a hard time really believing I could trust him or even think about a connection because I don't have a great relationship with my earthly father so how can I have that with a Father I can't even see?! I was married young, right out of high school, pregnant at 24 with twin boys and divorced at age 32. All that time I felt like God was trying to get a hold of me but I just never was able to commit to truly following him. I was angry, hurt and very lost and I really didn't know who I was other than a mother to my boys. I tried to find myself in relationships with men and just ended up losing myself even more. I ended up meeting my now husband on eHarmony and we dated less than a year and were married 8 months after our first date. Again I tried to find who I was in this marriage and now a step-mom to two children plus trying to handle being a mom to my boys and dealing with a very controlling ex-husband when it came to spending time with my boys.

We started going to The Vineyard in 2012 and I felt like it was where we were meant to be, but I still struggled a lot with connecting with God. I honestly felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. So many ups and downs, feeling emotionally and spiritually drained and feeling so far away from God and also kind of angry with him.  So many times I told my husband I just don't know where I belong and I feel like an outsider. Then two years ago I did something I never thought I would do, I had an affair with someone from my past. Instead of turning to God, I turned to another man for emotional support. I ended up leaving my husband and my family and went to be with this other guy. I put all of my relationships on the line, even with my children. I left and came back three different times and through two of those times I came to church and even talked with Pastor Clint and thought I was making progress, but I was only fooling myself because I still wasn't trusting God. The third time I left I filed for divorce and thought I could make things better on my own, but boy did I truly not know God had other plans! I think many have heard of or seen the movie "War Room", and I will never watch that movie the same way again. I had a "War Room" moment in my life. While I was with this other guy we were planning a trip and while I was getting ready for it I got really sick after taking some pain meds for a headache on an empty stomach. So sick that I really got scared. So needless to say the trip didn't happen. I started also to feel disconnected from this guy and really missed home and my family. I actually remember crying out to God and asking him to help me find my way home. I emailed my husband and told him everything that was going on. I knew he had been praying for me and so were many others and later I found out, that time I ended up getting sick, yeah that was an actual answer to a prayer that my husband and Pastor Steve had been praying. They actually prayed for God to do something like a sickness, nothing too serious just something to get my attention and he really listened and answered that prayer!

My husband and my parents helped me to come back home and by God's grace and mercy he has been able to forgive me, and we have been going to counseling, and I have felt God's love and forgiveness ever since. It's not been a smooth road, but I'm reading my Bible more, praying more, was even baptized this last summer and taking it one day at a time to keep my past where it belongs, in the past. I know it seems like a huge turn around in such a short time, but it has taken a lot of hurt, pain and years to get where I am today. Marriage is work, life is work, but I have some amazing people in my life now that help me to remember that I know I can't do anything without God by my side and in the center of all of my relationships. He has done amazing work for me and my marriage and I can't wait to see where he leads us. When I truly realized there is an enemy out there that wants to kill, steal and destroy me and my family and everything that is good, and that there is a God who loves me and will fight for me and with me, it honestly put all the broken pieces back together in my life and made so much pain, anger and hurt go away. I am a true child of God, and I never want to forget that ever again. I've put a stake in the ground and I am choosing to follow him and never turning back.

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